How to show your lecturer you have the 'write' stuff
Admit it, we’ve all thought about doing something similar before.
Use a fancy typeface
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Sure, they asked for Times New Roman, but who ever looked at page after page of the same standard typeface and thought it looked impressive? Absolutely no-one. Instead try showing your lecturers something they haven’t seen before (and spend hours deciding rather than writing the essay). So long as you don’t decide on Comic Sans you’re golden. Especially if you colour it gold.
Address them personally
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“Don’t use personal pronouns in academic writing” is something we’re told on a regular basis. So don’t. The way to really impress your lecturer is to address them by name. Every time you feel the need to write “one” or “the audience”, replace it with “Brian”. Of course, only follow that example if your lecturer is called Brian…
Make great use of a thesaurus
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Academics love to use flowery language that makes us want to tear our hair out whenever we sit down with a 70 page chapter. In fact, that’s one of the requirements for becoming a lecturer. If they use it, then they certainly love reading it back – but don’t stop after using “thus” or “henceforth” a couple of times, look up every single word you write in a thesaurus and pick the least common synonym. It ought to be jubilant recreation.
Sign it personally
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While your name at the top of the paper looks very neat and professional, it’s just not personal enough to stand out to your lecturer. Once you’ve concluded your points, or made so many you’re losing the will to live, leave a large gap at the bottom of the page, print it out and sign it with the fanciest signature you can muster. Then they’re sure to know it came from the heart and it feels a little more accurately like you’re signing your life away.
Illustrate with doodles
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Most lecturers ask for double line spacing and large margins, but never fill them up with comments like you’d expect. Even when you get your essays back you can’t help but feel a lot of paper has been wasted. Help them out by doodling around your words before submitting it – not only will it help them to fill the gaps, but it will also entertain them after hours of marking hundreds of papers on the same topic and they’re bound to give you a few extra marks. Suggested subjects include obscure Pokémon, researchers you’ve referenced or what you’ve recently eaten for lunch.
Confess your love for them
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If all else fails, get really personal with them at the end of your essay and declare your undying love for them. Be sure to mention how much you love that thing they do with their eyebrows when they get passionate about something and how you’re hooked on every word they say. If that doesn’t get you a first, then nothing will. Have we mentioned we love you, reader?
This article was written by Sian Bradley.
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