The top drunken takeaways
There may be a scientific explanation for why the end of a night of heavy drinking so often brings on an insatiable hunger, but for the average student it hardly matters. Staggering home from one dark box containing strangers and noise to another dark box containing your bed, the bright shining beacon of the takeaway looms over the horizon. But the question remains – what will you have, and which is the best?
Chinese
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The ultimate minefield of takeaways. For every glorious medley of flavours and spices, there’s a risk of overly sugary, high-fat gloop that will soon. It’s a risk, but one which could pay off well. For gamblers only – but when you’ve been drinking, everyone is.
Curry
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A classic, and usually of fair to good quality if you’re conscious enough to visit a curry house with a decent reputation. When you reach home, a warm feeling spreads throughout your body as you realise you’ve spilled it all over your lap. Tasty, but messy. Drunkenness may also enhance your ability to deal with spiciness, only for you to wake up feeling as though someone put a flamethrower in your mouth and pulled the trigger.
Pizza
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The least likely to make a mess either before or after it enters your body. Easy to wolf down with its ergonomic handle-like crust, but also that rare takeaway which can be left until morning without going entirely weird. Cheap, tasty and variable in terms of sauces and toppings, but of course totally exclusionary for the vegetarians and vegans out there. For the straight-down-the-line hungry drunk who’s maybe even considerate enough not to spill things on the floor.
McDonalds (and the rest)
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There’s nothing especially wrong with McDonalds, Burger King or KFC’s food (to admittedly say nothing of their business practices) but there’s just something bland and unadventurous about them. Whatever the merits of your burger or chicken, it won’t have the local touches of cockroaches or unwashed hands that make slightly dodgier takeaways just so much more welcoming.
Fish and Chips
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The chip shop is a once-mighty but now slightly diminished breed, pushed out by a variety of different cuisines and no longer dominant as it once was. But that doesn’t mean it’s without its appeal. Fish and chips is relatively neat (provided you watch what you’re up to with your mushy peas) and pretty cheap. If what you want is calories and a full stomach, the chip shop is the place to be.
Kebabs
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Ordering a kebab at the end of a night out has become almost a cultural standard, and it’s not hard to understand why. It demonstrates handily how drunk you are. Take ingredients no human would voluntarily eat together while sober, slapped on top of chunks of indeterminately-sourced, half-cooked grey meat shaved in the manner of peeling sunburned skin from a spindle containing what looks like a lukewarm elephant’s leg. In the cold light of day, a quizzical look or instinctive disgust take hold. After twelve shots, deliciousness results. It’s monstrous, it’s glorious, and it’s got to be the king of drunken takeaways.
Which is your takeaway king? Comment below.
This article was written by Sian Bradley.
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